ACCORDING TO ONE PHILOSOPHER 'Every man passes his life in the search after friendship'. That search ends for the believer when he finds the Lord Jesus Christ. I've found a friend, O such a friend, He loved me e'er I knew Him. Having found such a Friend the believer enters a wide circle of men and women who also know the Saviour. Some may well be members of his own family but of those who are not he will be wise to cultivate friendship with some more fully. The advantages of such friendship can he great indeed.
At the beginning of this new year we want to focus not only on the advantages but also on the demands and the dangers of such friendships, not forgetting the vexed question of friendships with unbelievers and, finally, the greatest friendship of all. We trust this will all lead to serious reflection, a renewed appreciation of our friends and a fresh commitment to make the most of friendships with believers and, in a different way, unbelievers too. ...
It is clear that friendship, especially Christian friendship, costs something. It involves serious commitments between two people. There are, however, two special demands imposed by genuine Christian friendship that must be emphasised very clearly. They are honesty and loyalty. Without these, a friendship is doomed.
HONESTY
A friendship that lacks honesty will go nowhere. In any sphere, it is no good pretending to be something we are not. In friendship, deceit is fatal. This particularly applies to the need to be open and willing to rebuke one another. In Leviticus 19:17 God's people are told, Do not hate your brother in your heart. How do I avoid that: by just keeping quiet? No! Rebuke your neighbour frankly so that you will not share in his guilt. Similarly, Jesus commands: if your brother sins, rebuke him. We have a duty to rebuke all our brothers and sisters in Christ. It applies especially to our friends. Think how Paul (Galatians 2:11) and, before him, Jesus himself (Matthew 16:23) rebuked Peter. On the other side, we are warned: Whoever flatters his neighbour is spreading a net for his feet (Proverbs 29:5).
It is no good hiding the truth even if it will hurt. You will do far more damage the other way. In true friendship we must agree that better is open rebuke than hidden love and the kisses of an enemy may be profuse, (think of Judas) but faithful are the wounds of a friend (Proverbs 27:5,6). Too often we lack the courage to speak out. We care more about ourselves than our friend's real needs. Of course, we need to be very sensitive here. The writer, Albert Camus, warned: Don't believe your friends when they ask you to be honest ...
I know of an American pastor who felt led to rebuke a fellow pastor, he then added, 'If there is anything in my life that you feel is wrong do not hesitate to let me know'. Well, in time, there was something and so this fellow pastor prayerfully wrote pointing out a particular problem with the other man's ministry. Silence. Eventually, a very aggrieved letter came back. 'How could you speak to me in such a way? I am deeply hurt.' Honesty can be painful but in any true friendship a rebuke is almost bound to come at some point. We must be willing both to give rebukes sensitively and receive them graciously. Unimportant differences must not be allowed to spoil a friendship but we must be willing to speak to one another in love, and also in love take any criticisms seriously that might come back to us.
Incidentally, where the friendship is genuine and deep, we should remember that when our friend is moved to rebuke us, it has cost our brother or sister a very great deal to speak to us in that way. We should also be very thankful that there is someone else in the world who, out of love for us, is deeply troubled by what we are doing.
LOYALTY
Remember man and keep in mind a faithful friend is hard to find. Once we have found a faithful friend, we then have to work at keeping that friendship in good repair. George Eliot wrote: Friendships begin with liking and gratitude - roots that can be pulled up. Some twentieth century secular writers have spoken calmly of outgrowing or outwearing a friendship but surely Publius Syrius in the first century BC is nearer the truth when he says, 'Friendship that can come to an end never really began'.
We understand what it means to outgrow a friendship but a key demand in any real friendship is loyalty. In terms of biblical proverbs: A friend loves at all times ... A man of many companions may come to nun, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother (17:17a, 18:24). There is also the command Do not forsake your friend and the friend of your father (27:10).
This material first appeared in Grace Magazine
