Benjamin Beddome on Friendship Part 2 (Final)

U.S. Navy photo by Journalist 3rd Class Derrick M. Ingle.,
Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

This aricle originally appeared in Banner of Truth Magazine

When one thinks of friendships among Baptist ministers in the eighteenth century, one instinctively thinks of Fuller, Sutcliffe and Ryland, who ‘held the ropes’ for Carey. Beddome does not seem to have had a close ministerial friendship of that sort, although in The Baptist Register John Rippon refers to the younger man who preached Beddome's funeral sermon, Benjamin Francis (1734–1799), as his ‘affectionate friend’ and, as Stephen Pickles notes in his new biography of Beddome (Rippon, Obituary Beddome, Baptist Annual Register: Including Sketches of the State of Religion Among Different Denominations etc., Vol. 2 (Dilly, Button & Thomas, 1794), 326; Stephen Pickles, Cotswold Pastor and Baptist Hymnwriter: The Life and Times of Benjamin Beddome (1718-1795) (James Bourne Society, 2023), he was clearly a very friendly person.

Beddome had several good friends in the congregation at Bourton, including his father-in-law Richard Boswell (d. 1783), gentleman William Snooke (1730–1799) and, later, Snooke's brother-in-law, Richard Hall (1728–1801). Their father-in-law, Benjamin Seward (1705–1753) of Bengeworth, was likely another good friend of Beddome’s. Beddome, sometimes accompanied by his wife, would often take tea at her father’s or Snooke’s, or at one or other of the homes of the wealthier church members.

When he was a student in Bristol, Beddome had come to know Sarah Evans (1713–1751). His friendship with Hugh Evans (1712–1781) and especially Sarah (née Browne) began then. Their friendship was referenced by her son Caleb Evans (1737–1791) in a funeral address he gave for his stepmother Ann. ( Caleb Evans, God the everlasting portion of his people. Sermon occasioned by the death of Mrs Ann Evans, wife of the Rev. Hugh Evans, MA ... Preached Broadmead, Bristol …, 1776). Beddome took Sarah's funeral and wrote an epitaph for her grave.

Henry Keene (1727–1797) was another friend. Keene was a coal merchant and a well-respected deacon in the Maze Pond church, London. A warm letter written in November 1772 from Beddome to Keene is preserved in a Calendar of Letters assembled by Isaac Mann (1785–1831) held at the National Library of Wales, Aberystwyth.

John Ryland's father, usually referred to as John Collett Ryland (1723–1792) to distinguish him from his better-known son, was born in Bourton on the Water and spent his formative years in the area. Six years younger than Beddome, the two became friends when, in 1740, Ryland was one of about forty converts in a revival that marked the early period of Beddome's ministry. Beddome baptised Ryland in October 1741, and when the latter began to show an interest in becoming a minister, a strong friendship blossomed between the two. As mentor, Beddome ‘led him forward to the work of the ministry with the fostering hand of a wife and kind parent.’ (Rippon, The Gentle Dismission of Saints from Earth to Heaven. A Sermon [2 Tim. 4:6] Occasioned by the Decease of ... J. Ryland, Sen. ... Preached First at His Funeral at Northampton and ... in London, 1792, 37, 38). As to their friendship, Beddome called Ryland Sr his ‘dearest friend’ and the two kept in contact well after Ryland left Bourton and moved to Bristol; he later became a minister in Warwick and then in Northampton. (William Newman, Rylandiana: reminiscences relating to ... J. Ryland of Northampton [With extracts from his diary, etc] 1834, 137-39).

Beddome was no doubt a good friend also to several others in the congregation who went on to become ministers themselves, notably men like John Reynolds (1730–1792), Nathanael Rawlings (1733–1809), and Richard Haines (d. 1767).

In the second part of the sermon previously referred to, Beddome speaks about the duty of friendship highlighted in the verse he preaches: He that hath friends should show himself friendly. ‘Act agreeably to the connexions formed,’ says Beddome, ‘and the confidence reposed in him.’ He goes on,

Though the forming of friendships is a matter not of necessity but of choice, yet, when they are formed, it is highly incumbent upon us that we should so regulate our temper and conduct as may best tend to their continuance and improvement.

The duty of friendship

Beddome says four things about this:

We should take care that our inward sentiments and feelings perfectly agree with our outward professions.

Undissembled integrity becomes the man and adorns the Christian. Extravagant professions of regard and large promises of help and assistance are to be avoided, as also are lavish praises and commendations; for these, however gratifying they may be to a weak man, will rather be disgusting to a wise one. We should never speak more than our hearts feel, or enter into engagements which we may possibly want both an ability and inclination to perform. This is the character that David gives of men in a very degenerate age: They speak vanity everyone to his neighbour, with flattering lips, and with a double heart do they speak.

We should not be shy in using our friends, or backward in receiving kindnesses from them.

He quotes Edward Young again, ‘Reserve will wound it, and distrust destroy.’ He goes on,

It is as much an act of friendship without hesitation to accept a favour, as readily to confer one; and the not doing so at proper and convenient seasons has begotten a jealousy and suspicion that we would not lay an obligation upon another because we are so loth to come under one ourselves; but a real friend should be willing to do both. He should give and receive advice, admit frequent visits and repay them, inquire into the grievances of another and tell his own, partake of the bounty of his friend, and let require. Mutual sympathy, and a readiness to communicate to each other's wants, is necessary among friends: Have pity upon me, O my friends! says Job. Friendship is a profession of love, and love should not only be professed, but acted upon.

We should prefer the interests and welfare of their souls to that of their bodies:

Thus did Christ, the friend of publicans and sinners, when he was upon earth, and thus should all his followers do; and surely those will be most indebted to us for our friendship, whose everlasting felicity is promoted by it.

He then says, firstly,

We should pray for our friends; thus did Job for his, though by their uncharitable invectives they had greatly added to the weight of his afflictions, and his prayers returned into his own bosom. Yet he obtained a blessing both for himself and them. If we can do nothing else for our friends, we can pray for them; and whatever else we have done, or can do, this should not be neglected.

And secondly,

We should faithfully reprove them when they do amiss. Not to do this is represented as an evidence of hatred: Thou shalt not hate thy brother in thine heart; thou shalt in any wise rebuke thy neighbour, and not suffer sin upon him: and therefore to do it is an instance of the greatest love, and a wise and good man will esteem it so. Let the righteous smite me, says David, and it shall be an excellent oil. But then we must do it in a friendly manner, secretly, and not so as to expose him; with meekness and tenderness, and not so as to irritate and provoke him; and at the most convenient season, when he is most likely to bear it, and be benefited by it.

We should carefully avoid all those things which may either break the bonds of friendship, or weaken them:

We should not, by divulging his secrets, abuse the confidence that our friend has placed in us. We should guard against envy if providence has exalted him above us; and of coldness and neglect if he is sunk into a state of inferiority to us. We should also shun the company of those who are given to calumny and detraction, for Solomon tells us that a whisperer separateth chief friends; and, lastly, if by any notorious miscarriage, or unmerited provocations, they have forfeited our friendship, we should remember that we still owe them common charity, if prudence prohibits our former familiarity with them. Religion should restrain us from turning our love into hatred.

Conclusion

The sermon closes with two reflections.

First,

What need of grace have we to enable us to act up to this, or any other character that we sustain! The duties of friendship, you see, are not few or easy; we should therefore implore the assistance of divine grace, that we may rightly perform them. Nor should we, as has been wisely said, make choice of many intimate and bosom friends; for a multiplication of friends will involve a multiplication of duties, and, consequently, of difficulties.

Second,

Let those who are so happy as to have Christ for their friend be particularly observant of this rule with respect to him. O let us cultivate a more intimate acquaintance with him, set a proper value upon his friendship, give him the uppermost place in our hearts, make him the frequent subject of our conversation, avoid every thing that is offensive to him, frequent those places where we may meet with him, and long to be for ever with him!

We should be thankful for our friends, if we have them. As Michael Haykin has observed, writing about William Carey, whom Beddome once wanted to succeed him at Bourton on the Water, ‘True friendships take time and sacrifice, and Western culture in the early twenty-first century is a busy world that as a rule is far more interested in receiving and possessing than sacrificing and giving.’ (Michael A. G. Haykin, The Missionary Fellowship of William Carey, 2018, 10). The observation is no doubt correct. The duties of friendship have never been few or easy, and we need divine grace to rightly perform them. Let us be good friends to all, then, and especially to the Lord Jesus Christ, the Friend who sticks closer than a brother.

Benjamin Beddome on Friendship Part 1

Nationalmuseum, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

This article originally appeared in Banner of Truth Magazine

Enumerating God's kindnesses in one of his hymns, the long serving minister at Bourton on the Water, Gloucestershire, Benjamin Beddome (1717-1795) includes not only “constant supplies of outward good, your nightly sleep and daily food”, but also “your health and strength and faithful friends, And happiness that never ends.” (566).

Another hymn acknowledges that his dearest friends he owes to God's goodness. Yet another hymn (737) is all about friendship in the context of worship

How sweet the interview with friends

Whose hopes and aims are one

All earthly pleasures it transcends

And swift the moments run

Of sympathy and love possessed

Our sorrows we impart

And when with pure enjoyments blessed

They go from heart to heart.

Pursuing still our way to bliss

A weak and feeble band

We trust in Christ our righteousness

Who will our strength command

Though for a season we must part

As urgent duties call

Still we remain but one in heart

And Jesus is our all

Oh may his glorious cause encrease

And we his wonders tell

Now bid us Lord depart in peace

And now dear friends farewell.

Growing up, Beddome would have been keenly aware of the intense friendship between his minister father, John Beddome (1675-1757) and his life-long bachelor friend, Bernard Foskett (1685-1758) who Beddome junior followed first into medicine then into the ministry. Beddome senior and Foskett first met in London then ministered together in the Midlands before coming together again in Bristol, where, in due time, the two died within a year of each other and were buried alongside each other. Foskett was considered to be a part of the Beddome family and was often with them when they gathered. Benjamin named one of his sons Foskett. Sadly, he drowned, dying prematurely as a young man. Beddome was asked to speak at Bernard Foskett's funeral but felt incapable. He was one of six coffin bearers.

The friendship between the older men no doubt informed Beddome when on at least one occasion he preached on the subject of friendship.

Before coming to that sermon, a paragraph in another sermon of Beddome's, on Zechariah 8:23 (see Volume 5 of the posthumously published Twenty short discourses adapted to village worship) notes that one thing to learn from his text is

That seclusion from all society is neither the Christian's duty, nor his privilege. It was God himself who said, It is not good for man to be alone. Satan imagined that lie had the greatest advantage against our Lord, and that he was most likely to prevail over him, when he found him in a solitary wilderness, unsupported by the presence of a friend. To guard against a similar danger, Jesus afterwards sent out his disciples two and two; not only that out of the mouth of two witnesses every word might be established, but that they might be helpers of each other's joy in the Lord.

Reciprocal duties

Sermon 59 in a collection of 67 posthumously published sermons known as Sermons Printed from the manuscripts of the late Rev Benjamin Beddome, AM with a brief Memoir of the Author is on Proverbs 18:24 A man that hath friends must show himself friendly and has been given the title The reciprocal duties of friends.

Beddome begins by saying

The advantages of real friendship are great and the duties resulting from it many. We have a comprehensive view of them in my text. We should exercise a common civility towards all men neither despising the poor on account of the meanness of their condition nor hating our greatest enemies for the injuries we have received from them but a man that hath friends must show himself friendly. Here we have a privilege spoken of and a duty prescribed.

The privilege of friendship

The sermon is in two parts. Firstly, a privilege is spoken of. What a privilege to have a friend, says Beddome,

To say that a man is friendless is to denote a complete state of misery. Lover and friend, says David, hast thou put far from me. This aggravated his troubles and added weight to all his other distresses. On the contrary next to the comforts of religion are those of friendship and society especially when those whom we look upon as our friends are …

He then enumerates four qualities in a good friendship. It is

Real and disinterested

Sincerely what they profess to be not acting from selfish motives but making our interest their own. Most men seek their own and do not, as the apostle expresses it in another case, naturally care for the state of others. Here and there perhaps we may find one who will sympathise with us in all our griefs and joys and by all proper means promote our happiness and welfare. Happy is the man that hath such a friend.

Wise and prudent

Able and willing to give us advice when we are at a loss how to act and that without upbraiding our ignorance or despising us for our weakness. It is a happiness to have such friends who are discreet and experienced and at the same time open and communicative. If our friend be weak and silly, his folly may plunge us into great inconveniences and let him be ever so sagacious, if he be sullen and reserved his wisdom will do us little service. David was happy in the friendship of Hushai who by his good sense and deep penetration defeated the pernicious councils of Ahithophel and extricated his royal master from a state of the greatest perplexity.

Marked by pious virtue

Pious virtue is the only solid foundation for friendship for he that is not a good man cannot be a good friend. Prayer for friends is one of the most important duties of friendship but he is not likely to pray for us who does not pray for himself. The concerns of the soul are of the most interesting nature but it is not probable that he will be mindful of the spiritual concerns of others who is regardless of his own. Those are the most valuable and desirable friends who are at the same time like Abraham the friends of God. Not the gay, sensual and profane but the serious and thoughtful, circumspect and holy whose conversation will be instructive and their example improving, whose hearts glow with love to God and whose conduct and behaviour exhibit all the beauties of the religious life. By their means we may be fortified against temptations, kept from many an hurtful snare, be convinced of sin when we have committed it and rendered more steadfast in the ways of God. As iron sharpeneth iron, says Solomon, so doth the countenance of a man his friend. We insensibly contract a likeness to those whom we choose for our companions: if they are modest and humble, we grow like them; if they are bold and impudent, we become so too.

Further

Give me leave to add, under this head, if a courteous and obliging temper, a natural sweetness of disposition, be added to strict virtue and real piety, it makes the ties of friendship more sweet and more durable. This seems to have been the case with respect to David and Jonathan. That man can never be a friend to others who is a foe to himself.

Faithful and persevering

The fourth and final thing Beddome includes under his first heading, and here he must inevitably have thought of Foskett and his father, is this

Lastly. Faithful and persevering, who will smile when the world frowns, stand by us when others forsake us and adhere to us in the face of the greatest opposition. Thus all Saul's threats and reproaches could not make Jonathan renounce the covenant of friendship he had made with David, whom he loved as his own soul. Such friendships are very rare. My brethren, says Job, have dealt deceitfully as a brook, and as the stream of brooks they pass away. A failing brook is a fit emblem of a false heart. A friend that loveth at all times, who does not change when our circumstances change, but is the same whether we are in a state of affluence or want, in honour or disgrace, is one of the choicest gifts of God.

He quotes Edward Young, one of his favourite authors, from his poem Night Thoughts

Friendship's the wine of life:

A friend is worth all the hazards we can run.

Poor is the friendless master of a world:

A world in purchase for a friend is gain.

Beddome concludes this part of his sermon

This should lead us to think of the Lord Jesus Christ, in whom all these characters meet. He is the greatest, best, and most affectionate, the most disinterested and faithful of all friends, a friend to them that have no other friend; a friend to those who have been his most bitter enemies, and who lives when other friends die; to whom we may justly apply the words following my text: There is a Friend that sticketh closer than a brother. O may each of us be able to say, This is my beloved, and this is my friend!

The Demands of Christian Friendship

ACCORDING TO ONE PHILOSOPHER 'Every man passes his life in the search after friendship'. That search ends for the believer when he finds the Lord Jesus Christ. I've found a friend, O such a friend, He loved me e'er I knew Him. Having found such a Friend the believer enters a wide circle of men and women who also know the Saviour. Some may well be members of his own family but of those who are not he will be wise to cultivate friendship with some more fully. The advantages of such friendship can he great indeed.

At the beginning of this new year we want to focus not only on the advantages but also on the demands and the dangers of such friendships, not forgetting the vexed question of friendships with unbelievers and, finally, the greatest friendship of all. We trust this will all lead to serious reflection, a renewed appreciation of our friends and a fresh commitment to make the most of friendships with believers and, in a different way, unbelievers too. ...

It is clear that friendship, especially Christian friendship, costs something. It involves serious commitments between two people. There are, however, two special demands imposed by genuine Christian friendship that must be emphasised very clearly. They are honesty and loyalty. Without these, a friendship is doomed.

HONESTY

A friendship that lacks honesty will go nowhere. In any sphere, it is no good pretending to be something we are not. In friendship, deceit is fatal. This particularly applies to the need to be open and willing to rebuke one another. In Leviticus 19:17 God's people are told, Do not hate your brother in your heart. How do I avoid that: by just keeping quiet? No! Rebuke your neighbour frankly so that you will not share in his guilt. Similarly, Jesus commands: if your brother sins, rebuke him. We have a duty to rebuke all our brothers and sisters in Christ. It applies especially to our friends. Think how Paul (Galatians 2:11) and, before him, Jesus himself (Matthew 16:23) rebuked Peter. On the other side, we are warned: Whoever flatters his neighbour is spreading a net for his feet (Proverbs 29:5).

It is no good hiding the truth even if it will hurt. You will do far more damage the other way. In true friendship we must agree that better is open rebuke than hidden love and the kisses of an enemy may be profuse, (think of Judas) but faithful are the wounds of a friend (Proverbs 27:5,6). Too often we lack the courage to speak out. We care more about ourselves than our friend's real needs. Of course, we need to be very sensitive here. The writer, Albert Camus, warned: Don't believe your friends when they ask you to be honest ... 

I know of an American pastor who felt led to rebuke a fellow pastor, he then added, 'If there is anything in my life that you feel is wrong do not hesitate to let me know'. Well, in time, there was something and so this fellow pastor prayerfully wrote pointing out a particular problem with the other man's ministry. Silence. Eventually, a very aggrieved letter came back. 'How could you speak to me in such a way? I am deeply hurt.' Honesty can be painful but in any true friendship a rebuke is almost bound to come at some point. We must be willing both to give rebukes sensitively and receive them graciously. Unimportant differences must not be allowed to spoil a friendship but we must be willing to speak to one another in love, and also in love take any criticisms seriously that might come back to us.

Incidentally, where the friendship is genuine and deep, we should remember that when our friend is moved to rebuke us, it has cost our brother or sister a very great deal to speak to us in that way. We should also be very thankful that there is someone else in the world who, out of love for us, is deeply troubled by what we are doing.

LOYALTY

Remember man and keep in mind a faithful friend is hard to find. Once we have found a faithful friend, we then have to work at keeping that friendship in good repair. George Eliot wrote: Friendships begin with liking and gratitude - roots that can be pulled up. Some twentieth century secular writers have spoken calmly of outgrowing or outwearing a friendship but surely Publius Syrius in the first century BC is nearer the truth when he says, 'Friendship that can come to an end never really began'.

We understand what it means to outgrow a friendship but a key demand in any real friendship is loyalty. In terms of biblical proverbs: A friend loves at all times ... A man of many companions may come to nun, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother (17:17a, 18:24). There is also the command Do not forsake your friend and the friend of your father (27:10).

This material first appeared in Grace Magazine

Friendship

I needed to be in a different part of the country recently and it was my privilege to spend a day or so with one of my best friends. This particular friend and I have known each other for about 30 years now. It is the gospel that brought us together and the gospel that has kept us friends. We first met at our local chapel and got to know each other at various gatherings for young people – Friday night club, Bible class, camps. We were both converted in our early teens and attended the same baptismal classes.

In a few short years, however, we were both thrust out into the great world beyond and our paths diverged significantly. My friend left school at 16, went into the forces and served in England, Wales, Germany and the Falklands. He was soon married and is already a (rather youthful!) grandfather. He is now in middle management with a firm that always seems to be gearing up for its next round of redundancies. He belongs to a large evangelical Baptist church well north of London where I pastor a small Reformed Baptist church. I came to London to study for the ministry following a university degree in West Wales. My eldest son is a couple of years younger than my friend’s youngest.

Despite these obvious differences we continue to be good friends and being together again was a great chance to relax, catch up on the news, share views and jokes and enjoy one another’s company. In the course of one conversation we discussed the nature of friendship. From it I draw out the following list of ingredients for a good friendship. We often apply Proverbs 18:24 to Christ A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother but it has a plainer meaning too, one not to be ignored.

1. Time Some friendships are made in a moment. David and Jonathan seem to have hit it off straight away. Usually, however, such things take time. A righteous man is cautious in friendship (Proverbs 12:26). In a busy world we need to find time for making and keeping friends.

2. Shared experience This is probably essential. We had at least one ‘I wonder what so-and-so is doing now’ conversation about half-forgotten people we knew as boys, a conversation I am able to have with very few people these days. Of course, where friends are Christians they continue to know similar experiences and it was good again this time to be able to talk frankly about struggles in our devotional life, resisting temptation, failures as husbands and fathers and the state of our respective churches.

3. Mutual respect and admiration You know when someone respects you. It is one of the pleasures of friendship. Equally, it is good to look with some complacency on another human being. We get a glimpse of the Trinity in that. My friend could perhaps have been a professional footballer, like his two best friends, had concern about playing football on the Lord’s Day not inhibited him. His perseverance in the faith despite many failings always encourages me. Then there is his neighbourliness, his humility and his common sense approach to church life. His faithful visits to a local retired and disabled minister we first heard preach as boys fill me with admiration. I am always stirred to ask whether such things can be seen in my life.

4. Tolerance and acceptance Do not get the idea that my friend is perfect. No more than I am. He does things that I am unsure about and I tell him so. As I am a minister he is a little slower coming forward on spiritual issues but he is not slow to point out my more obvious faults where necessary or to disagree strongly on matters of taste and opinion. A difference of view is usually a pretty matter of fact thing with us. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses (Proverbs 27:6). Such things can be taken too far. I’m sure the unsympathetic sermonettes I wrote when my friend was having his struggles without a decent church to attend were pretty unhelpful. Forgiveness and forbearance is thankfully also part of toleration.

5. Openness A great thing about a good friend is the opportunity to be at ease in their presence and, as appropriate, to talk openly and honestly with them. It is neither right nor feasible to do that with everyone. There is something akin to being in the presence of God about it. In John 15:15 the Lord Jesus says to his disciples I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. It is such a sharing that differentiates friendship and mere servanthood.

6. It takes effort The proverb commands Do not forsake your friend and the friend of your father (27:10). Without effort on at least one side or the other friendships slide. What great opportunities for doing good and for receiving a blessing are lost when we do so. Perhaps you have a few letters to write or a telephone call to make. I know I certainly have.