I needed to be in a different part of the country recently and it was my privilege to spend a day or so with one of my best friends. This particular friend and I have known each other for about 30 years now. It is the gospel that brought us together and the gospel that has kept us friends. We first met at our local chapel and got to know each other at various gatherings for young people – Friday night club, Bible class, camps. We were both converted in our early teens and attended the same baptismal classes.
In a few short years, however, we were both thrust out into the great world beyond and our paths diverged significantly. My friend left school at 16, went into the forces and served in England, Wales, Germany and the Falklands. He was soon married and is already a (rather youthful!) grandfather. He is now in middle management with a firm that always seems to be gearing up for its next round of redundancies. He belongs to a large evangelical Baptist church well north of London where I pastor a small Reformed Baptist church. I came to London to study for the ministry following a university degree in West Wales. My eldest son is a couple of years younger than my friend’s youngest.
Despite these obvious differences we continue to be good friends and being together again was a great chance to relax, catch up on the news, share views and jokes and enjoy one another’s company. In the course of one conversation we discussed the nature of friendship. From it I draw out the following list of ingredients for a good friendship. We often apply Proverbs 18:24 to Christ A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother but it has a plainer meaning too, one not to be ignored.
1. Time Some friendships are made in a moment. David and Jonathan seem to have hit it off straight away. Usually, however, such things take time. A righteous man is cautious in friendship (Proverbs 12:26). In a busy world we need to find time for making and keeping friends.
2. Shared experience This is probably essential. We had at least one ‘I wonder what so-and-so is doing now’ conversation about half-forgotten people we knew as boys, a conversation I am able to have with very few people these days. Of course, where friends are Christians they continue to know similar experiences and it was good again this time to be able to talk frankly about struggles in our devotional life, resisting temptation, failures as husbands and fathers and the state of our respective churches.
3. Mutual respect and admiration You know when someone respects you. It is one of the pleasures of friendship. Equally, it is good to look with some complacency on another human being. We get a glimpse of the Trinity in that. My friend could perhaps have been a professional footballer, like his two best friends, had concern about playing football on the Lord’s Day not inhibited him. His perseverance in the faith despite many failings always encourages me. Then there is his neighbourliness, his humility and his common sense approach to church life. His faithful visits to a local retired and disabled minister we first heard preach as boys fill me with admiration. I am always stirred to ask whether such things can be seen in my life.
4. Tolerance and acceptance Do not get the idea that my friend is perfect. No more than I am. He does things that I am unsure about and I tell him so. As I am a minister he is a little slower coming forward on spiritual issues but he is not slow to point out my more obvious faults where necessary or to disagree strongly on matters of taste and opinion. A difference of view is usually a pretty matter of fact thing with us. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses (Proverbs 27:6). Such things can be taken too far. I’m sure the unsympathetic sermonettes I wrote when my friend was having his struggles without a decent church to attend were pretty unhelpful. Forgiveness and forbearance is thankfully also part of toleration.
5. Openness A great thing about a good friend is the opportunity to be at ease in their presence and, as appropriate, to talk openly and honestly with them. It is neither right nor feasible to do that with everyone. There is something akin to being in the presence of God about it. In John 15:15 the Lord Jesus says to his disciples I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. It is such a sharing that differentiates friendship and mere servanthood.
6. It takes effort The proverb commands Do not forsake your friend and the friend of your father (27:10). Without effort on at least one side or the other friendships slide. What great opportunities for doing good and for receiving a blessing are lost when we do so.
Perhaps you have a few letters to write or a telephone call to make. I know I certainly have.
